by Tyler Zach
It’s late, I’m tired, and I just got whooped up in a rousing game of Settlers. If you haven’t played Settlers of Catan yet you are totally missing out. This game is a cross between Monopoly and Risk – and I don’t like either of those two games – but I like this one.
Did you notice I’m trying to stall? If you look once more at the title you’ll understand why. Lately, I’ve been quite disturbed about what is going on in my heart. I’d like to think that a lot of what comes out of my heart is pure… but I’m not so sure this is the case most of the time. Here is the usual cycle of thought:
1) I think of a cool idea while sitting in a coffee shop
2) I praise God for giving me the idea
3) I think about how this cool idea will make me look cool
There are a few different directions that my mind can go from here. Either a) I get excited because I feel that God gave me idea and therefore it is pure or b) the cool idea was formed out of my selfish ambition to look good for others.
So what do I do? If I find that my idea was out of selfish ambition, do I not do it… even if it would benefit the Kingdom in a huge way? Or, should I go ahead with it… and try to suppress the selfish feelings? Maybe I should try not to do anything cool for at least five years until my motives are 100% pure. Well, five years is a low estimate.
My friend, mentor, and co-worker, Demarick Patton, believes that nothing we do in full-time ministry will ever be 100% pure. Do you agree with him? Will there ever be a day when we can do at least one thing out of completely pure heart?
Until we figure that out, I think there will always be an uneasy tension in my heart towards fulfilling the “good works” that have been prepared for me in advance.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve wanted attention ever since I was born. In Kindergarten, I was given the “Class Entertainer” certificate. In fourth grade, I chased my cousin Brandy with a razor blade because she was making fun of my friend Josh. Then in high school, I figured out that I could get attention in more civilized ways – like being on Student Council, National Honor Society, class President, etc. Then after college, I figured out a way to humbly write about my convicting attention-wanting personality on a blog, while still boasting about my past high school accomplishments :)
Don’t get me wrong. I really want to make leaps and bounds for the Kingdom… but I want people to see me doing it. I pray that God would transform my heart often. But deep down, for some odd reason, I don’t really feel like God probably accepts me as a person. My heart is too prideful and gucky – and I fight and fight to do great things to not only impress others, but to impress the King of the universe.
Perhaps if I wasn’t too busy thinking about doing great things, then I would hear God whisper to me, “I’m so proud of you son.” Maybe then, I would be able to finally rest in His love and acceptance.
