Communicating With Angry Teens

I don’t have a teenager yet (or any kids for that matter), but I do work with teens and am interested in how to connect with them better.

Here are some good nuggets that I learned from the book “Get Outta My Face: How To Reach Angry, Unmotivated Teens”.

• Repent of your own sin before approaching others.
• Teens can and must think about their choices in light of goals and consequences. Nearly 700 times Proverbs urges teens to think about their choices in light of positive and negative outcomes of their decisions.
• Most angry teens are used to being interrogated, not listened to. Teens are asking: “Are you going to talk to me about what you want or what I want?” It’s interesting that Jesus asked people multiple times, “What do you want?”
  
• Every person has good desires given by God. The problem is that we try to get good things in the wrong ways. Therefore, we affirm the underlying desires but challenge the path they are on to fulfill those desires.
  
• Teens have underlying motives for disobeying authority. They don’t disobey “just because” they are teenagers. Getting to the heart motives (or heart idols) is necessary to change the behavior. Why are they talking on the phone 24/7? Do they want approval? Do they want intimacy? Do they want respect? Find the root problem.
• You give them the choice rather than telling them what to believe or do. Giving someone the power and authority to decide something themselves lightens the resistance and forces them to choose good or bad for themselves. You can outline the consequences of either choice, but then you must put the ball in their court. This clarification often dramatically pits the teen against himself instead of against you.
• The teachings of Jesus demonstrate the value of communicating in stages. “I still have many things to say to you, but you can’t bear them now” (1 John 16:12). God does not confront us with every area of sin and weakness in our lives in a single week. He works in stages, as we can bear it. Do we approach others with one small challenge at a time?
• The worst thing that can happen to our teen is not contracting AIDS, or having some other permanently life-altering experience, as tragic as that would be. The worst thing would be losing his own soul. Are we focusing on moral issues primarily or helping them to treasure Christ?
• Repeat what the say. Translating a teen’s feelings into your own words can show that you are tuned in (i.e. “So you are frustrated every time you try to talk to the teacher. She won’t take any time with you?”)
• If you try to give advice before the relational bridge is secure, you will probably see the conversation collapse from the teen’s disinterest.
• My favorite: Blame your teen for the good choices they are making to throw them off balance. We usually blame others when they do something wrong. But “blaming” others when they do something good can be very encouraging (i.e. Why did you do so well on that test? Why were you so respectful when my friends came over?). This will put a smile on their face.

Follow me on Twitter